The Witch and the Iceberg
by Mein Liebling
Summary: Titanic!AU: An ICEBERG was BLOCKING her VIEW. Bellatrix was not amused. She showed her anger and never expected to be awarded a Nobel Prize for it. /Parody and AU


"_Personally, I consider 'Titanic' the most brilliant example of successful counter programming; the film actually countered itself by embedding an epic chick flick within a classic disaster movie."_

_-Diablo Cody_

* * *

"And then I said, 'You'll never catch me alive!'" Rodolphus Léstrange chuckled slightly as he took a sip of his rum, before setting it back down on the beautifully polished table. Lucius Malfoy looked at the black haired man with uncontained disgust. "How is that a joke_!?"_ he asked loudly.

Bellatrix sighed and rolled her dark black-grey eyes. Men and their awful sense of humour. How all the women in the world dealt with them day in and day out was a mystery.

"Roddy, darling," the beautiful woman nearly purred as she put a pale hand on her husband's shoulder. "Is it alright if I retire to the room? I feel as if I am going to be unneeded in the conversations to come." She sent a pointed look at Rabastan, her brother-in-law, who smirked and winked. "Aww, but it was just getting fun here, Bella. Sure you don't want to stay-?"

"With you for company? As if." Bellatrix would have let out a snort if it wasn't unbecoming of a lady of her caliber. Besides, anything that made her face look so horrible was only for peasants of the lowest ring. "I shall take my leave then." With that, the curly black haired woman turned on the ball of her foot and left the company of Rabastan, Rodolphus, and Lucius.

Bellatrix sighed as she stepped out of the first-class dining room and headed up the stairs to where the deck of the ship was faintly glowing in unhidden moonlight. It was beautiful outside, Bellatrix noticed as she leaned against the handle keeping her from falling into the ocean. The night of April 11th, 1912, was a stunningly cold and calm one, the sight of the ocean for miles around the woman never ceased to amaze her (although God knows that Rabastan would tease her if he heard that, the little twit never would stop bugging her).

Nothing could ruin the sight of this majestic ship soaring high above the waves with glistening water all around it, nothing could, nothing except-

"Is that an iceberg?" Bellatrix blinked into the dim lighting (for the moonlight seemed to disappear with her question, how strange) and tried to make out the large shape that couldn't possibly be _anything _but a large piece of frozen water. "We must be close to the Arctic Ocean then, if not in it already."

Suddenly the frosty air of the sea didn't seem so welcoming, and Bellatrix took her leave from watching the glittering waves to head inside where she could order a nice glass of champagne and enjoy the sound of the waves beating against the metal hull.

April 11th, 1912, had left Bellatrix Léstrange née Black feeling cold and chilled, and she found herself dreading what the next day might bring.

* * *

"Your father and I disagree, you're forbidden." Bellatrix told the small kitten that had managed to stowaway in her cabin. "I can't allow you to stay with me, or Rod, you might have rabies and I don't want to get sick."

The small fluffy grey animal looked up at the woman with big round eyes and meowed cutely, causing the normally cold lady to deflate a little bit. "Why do you have to be so cute?" Bellatrix sighed.

"Meow."

"No."

The cat looked up at Bellatrix and gave her the best puppy-dog eyes on a cat she'd ever seen. _"Meow."_

"I-gah!" Bellatrix sneered as she caught sight of Rabastan coming into the room. "Here! You take this thing!" The woman tossed the kitten into the air and Rabastan nimbly caught it, staring confusedly at the fluffy animal in his arms.

"Meow?"

"Why, may I ask, do you have a cat?"

Bellatrix 'hmphed' and sat down on her bed, turning to face the man who stared at the kitten curiously. "I found it stowed away in here. Who it belongs too or how it got in here is a mystery, so don't bother asking."

"So what are you going to do with it?" Rabastan scratched the feline behind its head, making her (he was sure it was a female) purr loudly and rub her head closer to his hand.

"I don't know." Bellatrix sighed and glanced out her window, seeing the familiar endless blue and an odd white shape on the horizon. She thought nothing of it and turned back to her brother-in-law. "I don't want to kill it, even I'm not that heartless-"

Rabastan snorted loudly, and the black haired woman sent him an evil glare.

"-But I have no idea what to do with it." She sighed and pressed a dainty hand against her forehead. "Oh how troublesome."

Rabastan tilted his head to the side and tried to think. "We could always ask the Crew whether someone has reported any missing pets." He suggested.

Bellatrix's eyes lit up slightly as she nodded. "Great idea. You go do that." The woman ignored his protests and pushed him out of her room, before carefully shutting the door behind her. Bellatrix sighed and rubbed her temples, before sitting down at the desk in front of the window and staring out blankly at the rushing water.

She blinked.

Then she closed her eyes and rubbed them.

She blinked once more.

She could have sworn that a few minutes ago the iceberg couldn't have been any closer than 50 miles.

Now she could begin to make out some of the lines of melting water cascading down the ice.

"I wonder how it came so close?" Bellatrix muttered, staring transfixed at the light reflecting brightly off the ice. "No matter, I'm sure the crew will take care of this, and besides, they would have never let it get so close unless they were certain it was safe." The woman tried to reassure herself. She absentmindedly closed the curtains to the room to stop the light from shining in, and sat down on the bed, looking at the calendar.

April 12th, 1912.

Why did she have such a bad feeling about this?

* * *

"Roddy, darling, how many times must I say this?" Bellatrix smiled, but it didn't cover the annoyance that flooded her voice. "You don't need to bring me along, I'll be fine. I can sit in the room or I can read a book outside on the First Class deck, it's not a big deal."

"Bella, I don't want you to feel bad or be alone-"

"I'm not! I'm perfectly happy sitting outside, I'll strike up a conversation with the Minister's daughter or something." She rolled her black-grey eyes. "Honestly, Rod."

Rodolphus didn't look convinced. "Are you sure?"

"Positive." Bellatrix pressed a quick kiss to her husband's cheek before squeezing his hand and letting it go. "Go have fun with the boys, I'll be fine!"

She turned around and left Rodolphus standing in the corridor outside the bar and instead headed towards her room where she could grab her book and then head up to the deck. Bellatrix calmly walked down the hallway and ignored all the conversation around her.

Perhaps this was a good thing.

"Captain says that the ship ain't going to clear the iceberg," one crewman whispered to the other. "He's gonna call in people to help but he ain't sure if it's gonna help."

"Why didn't we move out of the way when we first noticed it?" the other asked.

"We didn't know that it was that big, we might clear it, just barely, but Captain ain't so sure about it."

The other man sighed and stared out of the window that showed the large sparkling iceberg that would be their demise. "Well… damn."

* * *

Bellatrix woke up when she heard screaming in the hallway.

Rodolphus looked panicked as he threw on a robe over his night clothes, and stuck his head into the hallway. "What is the commotion?" he demanded to a servant that was standing by the balcony door. The young boy was shaking and looked frightened by the Léstrange's question.

"N-Nothing sir! We just ran close to an iceberg, it still hasn't touched us yet, but it's getting close."

"Why don't you just push it away from you or move away?"

"It's too late to move away, sir, and no one has the power to push such a large iceberg away from the ship.

Rodolphus sneered and headed back to his room, obviously this man was a muggle and _someone _(most likely a wizard) would take care of this mishap.

Bellatrix was peering her head outside the door when he returned. "What's happening?" she demanded. "Is something wrong?"

Rodolphus rolled his eyes and gently pushed her back inside the cabin. "We're just running a little too close to an iceberg, a wizard will probably try and blast it away. Go back to sleep, darling, I'm going to go run over to Rabastan's and then Lucius's to inform them about this."

With that, the man exited once again, leaving Bellatrix with a feeling of dread growing in her stomach.

She lingered for a moment by the door before stalking over to the window and shoving the curtains open.

Bellatrix's mouth fell open and she nearly let out a scream. The iceberg _was blocking her window. _Her ocean was hidden behind this monstrosity and she was not happy about it.

If there was one thing you never did, was anger Bellatrix. This was exactly why Rodolphus agreed to go on this 'cruise' to America so his wife could enjoy the ocean view which she always went on and on about.

And now this stupid iceberg was blocking that view.

An _iceberg _was _blocking _her _view._

Bellatrix couldn't remember anything after that moment, when she was later asked. All she knew was that somehow she was on top of the ship, screaming loudly and hitting the iceberg with as many powerful spells as she could, and ending up destroying the large chunk of ice before it could be any more damage than it ever could.

And now it seemed like she would be famous for helping to save the Titanic on its maiden voyage.

"-And last but not least, I present this Nobel Prize for an extremely amazing show of courage to Mrs. Bellatrix Black Léstrange who somehow managed to sink the iceberg that threatened to kill over ten thousand people who were on the famous ship 'Titanic'."

There was a large booming clap from the audience and Bellatrix smiled charmingly as she was handed the medal of honour. She turned towards the crowd and raised her hands to silence them. "I thank all of you for this high place of honour!" Bellatrix cried. "It was nothing, really, nothing. Some muggle thought we wouldn't make it but I told him we would!" she laughed loudly, and the people in the audience laughed nervously with Bellatrix, silently wondering what a 'muggle' was. "But I would like to thank my husband, Rodolphus, and my brother-in-law, Rabastan for bringing me on this wonderful journey. Thank you so much!"

The people went wild.

* * *

_**For the Quidditch League (Canbaddles): **_"How is that a joke!?" "Your father and I disagree, you're forbidden" and "last but not least". Bellatrix Black.

Bellatrix is acting like she is because right now she's a rich witch in the 1910's who is trying to get to America on the Titanic. Voldemort comes later, so let's just scoot up the Black timeline for a moment and make her born in about 1890 or so and therefore is one of the earlier (less crazy) Blacks.

_**I don't own Harry Potter.**_

* * *

_**I would extremely like to thank **_Katyusha/Lana/Anrheithwyr** for betaing this for me, or else it would have ended with my hyped up self writing 'and they all lived happily ever after the end'. So thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it and for my first time having a beta, it wasn't as bad as I suspected. So thank you!**


End file.
